Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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