I should be sponsored by Trojan
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
