sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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