I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
