I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
