Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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