He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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