wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
