So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
