Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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