i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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