I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
