every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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