Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
