wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can't turn off my feet"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
