someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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