Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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