I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
