just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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