wakey wakey hands off snakey
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
