hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
