nut hugger
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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