Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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