My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
