You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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