i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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