I CAN MOONWALK!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
