the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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