I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
