im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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