Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
