a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
