I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The adults are the big ones right?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
