Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
