Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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