I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Be still, my beating vagina.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
