I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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