I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
