This is not my ceiling
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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