I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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