I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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