Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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