Me too!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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