I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
