so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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