i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
