I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
