She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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