did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
