Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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