Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
